First of all, I just want to say thank you, mom. Thank you for bringing me into this world.
Thank you for raising me to be who I am today, thank you for everything you've done for me, for being my inspiration and motivation to do what I want to do with my life. Thank you for putting me in check all those times I messed up. You were my hero and my advocate.
Thanks so much for all you have given me over the years – believe me, I know it hasn't been easy. And, on this the day of my birth, I think you should get some thanks from your loving daughter. On this magical day ninth years ago you gave me life and I couldn't be more grateful.
Growing up without my father was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. His choice to leave before I was born felt like a curse. It was "the unknown" that scared me so much. The unknown things like the why, the how, the what of growing up without him there. As a young child, I never really missed him because I didn't know any better. He just wasn't there, and that was that. My mom and the man she eventually married, the man I should call 'Dad', never left me wanting for anything, but there was nothing they could do to fill that void that was in the shape of the idea of my father.
I was in school when I began putting things together and asking questions about him. It started with little things wondering what he looked like or if I had walked past him. Unknown. I wondered how he dressed and how he talked. Unknown. What kind of music did he like? What were his favorite movies? Unknown. Those questions ate at me constantly. The more I thought about him, the more it make me crazy. sigh.
As I went into high school, the questions became bigger -- and so did the anxiety. Why did he leave? Was I completely unlovable? If I were an amazing kid, would he hear about it and want to be a part of my life? Did he think about me? Did he wonder who I was becoming? The anxiety attacks increased. I had no self esteem. I had a hard time trusting anyone. After all, if your own father can leave you, so can anyone else. Those words haunted me. They repeated in my head like a song stuck on repeat. The older I got, the more I grew angry. How could you leave your daughter? How could you just pretend he doesn't exist? How could a man just up and leave when he finds out he's going to become a father? Bullshit.
Part of becoming a adult is also learning to forgive….so although I never forgave my father face to face…I did forgive him in my heart. But it’s funny…although I forgave…I never forgot.
Well. I was talking shit too much.
But most of all, dear Lord, thank you for blessing me with a mother who introduced me to You when I was old enough to talk. For without You, I’d be lost and certainly wouldn’t appreciate the mother you gave me. Dear Mak, I miss you so much, Even though it's my birthday, it's you, mak, who deserves the good wishes. I love you .
This is my year I fully emerge into a rediscovered self, a more confident self, a more love-filled self, a more joy-filled self. This is also my year I fully step into my study =.= (too many assignment) I’ve already been so incredibly blessed throughout my life, I can’t believe I truly feel that this is only the beginning…
To new chapters, new beginnings, and a renewed love of self and others ; AHHHHH, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! SWEET 19TH you!
May I ask for a birthday gift? HAHA
I honestly don’t want much, if anything I’d rather get myself half of these stuff than to be given it as a gift from someone lol. Ohhh the life of being from the land of broke. Haha.. And all I want is money in the bank so that I can move to Vegas to be with the one person who means more than anything to me. ehhbaaaaa!
Birthday girl,
Ambai
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